Real Dominators do not necessarily wear three-piece or leather suits. They do not give orders to actual strangers. But they have many traits in common - and none of those traits are sexual or about the clothes the Dominators are wearing.
Contrary to what erotic media presents to online readers around the world, not all Dominators own their own multibillion-dollar corporations or turn their secretaries into their submissives since the first interview. Books like this are fun to read and certainly exciting, but trying to find a Dominator that fits this much-publicized model is almost impossible.
Dominant persons can be male or female, CIS or trans, can be of any kind, size, color, sexual preference, income level, education and career. There is no perfect image of a Dominator. Men do not all wear suits. Women do not always wear leather or latex. Many Dominators and Dominatrixes are usually in jeans and T-shirts.
So, how does a real Dominator look like? From experience, all have similar traits. But here is a surprising aspect: none of these traits are physical.
Specific features of a true Dominator
Patience
A good Dominator is in no hurry to give you orders from the moment you first meet him. If he does, it is probably a test, to see if you, as a submissive person, have a spine. Dominators are in no hurry to make you bow to kneel before them. They want to meet and get to know you as a person first.
Integrity
The best Dominators do what they say they will. They are consistent in thought, speech and action. You know how you stand with them. The reality is that you may not always like what you hear, but you know that you are told the truth the way the Dominators see it and do what they think is best.
Responsibility
True Dominators, those you can trust with your mind and body, understand that they have a responsibility to the person who is their submissive. They take responsibility for their actions and words. Sure, sometimes words can be said in anger, but a Dominator with a strong sense of responsibility will assume his mistakes and work to fix what he did wrong.
Desire to learn
Dominators, even those in the lifestyle for many years, realize that they do not know everything. They also realize that there is a possibility of making mistakes. Dominators are constantly looking for new information, whether it is a new toy to be tried, a new protocol to be introduced, or simply a better way to manage the difficult situations that may arise in any relationship.
Communication
Any valuable Dominator knows the key to a successful D/s relationship: communication. He not only wants to share information and details with you, their submissive, but also would want to share the thoughts, feelings and needs with each other. The way you two communicate can vary greatly, but capacity always exists.
Consent
Communication between the parts in the D/s relationship is not complete unless consent is discussed. Consent is not as simple as saying, "yes." Consent must be informed. None of you, Dominator or submissive, really said, clearly, "yes" unless you well know about what you are saying “yes”! Clear consent means understanding what will happen, what will be felt and the outcome of the intended action.
Let's see what some genuine, highly experienced Dominators say
Each kinkster, Dominator or Dominatrix, submissive or slave, Top or bottom is different. None of us are the same with anyone else and we come from all walks in life. We further give the answers some very reliable experienced Dominators offered to the asked questions :
What makes you feel the most profound role of Dominator?
The Wolf
"When I feel in control. Sometimes you get into a situation or a scenario, and it just flows. When that happens, it's euphoric. My brain is filled with positive energy, and it's probably the time when I'm most relaxed. But the Dominators are not perfect. When I didn't get along, I used to panic, trying to make things even collapse. Now, age and wisdom prevail and I will admit a moment of panic when the reality of not being in control it’s presenting itself.
What I've learned is that it's not the wrong steps or blunders that define you, but how you recover from them, including admitting an error you've made. It is in this comeback where you can accumulate self-respect to maintain calm by being agile on your feet and having the solution to remedy the situation. It is at that moment when your presence and what others feel about you, - which defines your act of domination, generates respect and produces that stimulation of the mind that motivates you even more to move forward."
Sir Franco
"During a session, my Princess likes when I'm completely in charge, leaving her almost without any responsibility so that she can totally enjoy and fully let go. I like being an old-school gentleman Dom.
My Princess and I love rough sex: choking, pulling hair, biting, I often use everything I have to force her to the ground, as if I were raping her. It's, too, about domination."
Sir Sam
"We have a number of rituals and protocols in our relationship. What that stands out most for me is in the evening, after the children are in bed, when my submissive makes me a cup of tea. She doesn't just give it to me directly; she kneels down and offers me the cup. This act fills me with so much love for her knowing that it is me she kneels for."
What gives you the greatest joy or satisfaction as a Dominator?
The Wolf
"I have extreme pleasure from the smiles of those who are happy to have made their decision to follow. Oh, and from giving my submissive endless sexual pleasure, lol."
Sir Franco
"Trust. And the love, passion and obedience I receive from my Princess. Take care of my Princess, protect her and help her evolve: I was given the opportunity to take a part of her life into my own hands."
Sir Sam
"To watch my little girl growing up, and by that I mean the achievement of her dreams. Everyone has dreams, but to see her approaching the fulfillment of her dreams and to see her aspirations come to life gives me an overwhelming sense of joy."
What advice do you have for new ones in the BDSM lifestyle?
The Wolf
As a Dominator, have more confidence, judge less. Love more and exercise patience, forgive mistakes. Open your mind, explore borders, free your soul.
Read and research a lot. And then do more.
BDSM tools can bring disfigurement or even death if they end up in the wrong, inexperienced hands! You need to understand the purpose for which they were realized, the foreseen results and how pleasure is to be achieved for both the giver and the submissive person who receives.
But whatever you do, do it with respect. Your dignity and respect are the only ones you will ever have that are almost impossible to recover once lost."
As a submissive person, "beware of false Dominators and posers! They will suck your life without you knowing!
Sir Franco
"Every story is a different one and each has other players with their own past, wishes and so on. D/s is a lifestyle that can be implemented in so many different ways. There's no dimension that fits everyone.
I think my most important advice would be: talk (to your partner). Communication is everything and it means not only talking, but just as importantly listening."
Sir Sam
"Ask questions, find your BDSM group in your area and meet people who live the BDSM lifestyle. Find people who have lived in BDSM for the past 25 to 30 years and ask them questions, follow them, have a place to learn and evolve."
As a Dominator, have you noticed that no one has advised you to order a stranger to kneel in front of you? Or, as a submissive, to call your partner "Lord Master", or otherwise act as a submissive from the first moments of your encounter? The domineering people who demand as such are no good Dominators! Some are simply fake and aggressors looking for new victims. Others are too uneducated or too arrogant for their own good, sometimes a combination of both.
Avoid them at all costs!"