Words can be a powerful sexual tool, but there is a lot to learn to improve to use them properly.
It is known - words have power: the right ones can lift your spirits, but when they are degrading or offensive can leave deep psychological scars, even during consensual play.
Words can also be extremely exciting. With the humiliation play, however, there is a difference between having an extraordinarily exciting time and one that has the potential to ruin a scene - and maybe even an entire relationship. So what can you say during the humiliation play? And what should be left unsaid? Here are some tips on how to walk the line without overcoming it.
What is the humiliation play?
The humiliation play is a form of BDSM that uses the power of words - often in a demeaning way - to excite those involved by either saying words or hearing them. Because it can be used a pretty strong vocabulary, think of it as a sex word play on steroids...
Fortunately, there are well-proven techniques as effective that you can use not only to make the game of humiliation effective, but also to avoid any negative experiences.
It is all about communication
To start, the decision to use humiliation in a play is a serious one: it is never to be done randomly or recklessly. Again, it is enough a wrong word, or said in the wrong way, to be emotionally mutilating. So don't shout to your partner: "slut", "worm", "bad boy/bad girl", "garbage", nothing even slightly derogatory being, out of the blue!
Before you do anything, you need to communicate clearly and accurately: both as speaker and as listener. To avoid any interference or miscommunication, it is recommended that you make this negotiation before (and outside) the scene. This means not sitting down to negotiation as Dominant and submissive, but as equal participants in the relationship. In this way the submissive will feel free to speak without fear of being disrespectful to their Dominator; on the other hand, the Dominator/Dominatrix will know that the submissive will not only say what the Dominator wants to hear.
Because humiliation play has the potential to be emotionally harmful, do not engage in it unless there is no doubt or hesitation on the part of anyone involved.
Take it slow!
Even if things seem very clear, take them slowly and steadily. Don't jump to verbal abuse as if you were both very experienced. Instead, try for a short period of time and then immediately check in with each other as equals and not as Dominant and submissive.
Another thing about the humiliation play is that it is often something that many people fantasize about but haven't experienced directly. As anyone who has participated in BDSM plays for long enough can attest, there can be a huge gap between fantasy and reality. So even if your partner declares that he definitely agrees to try it, it still starts slowly. After all, you can always intensify the play of verbal abuse if you both feel comfortable with what is going on.
Let's talk about the Dominators for a moment. The humiliation play is something that can work both ways, so the Dominator, as well as the submissive, must be careful about emotional reactions. Let's say you are playing with someone who likes to be called a “useless piece of shit” and you feel uncomfortable, or emotionally distressed. Use your safeword. BDSM, after all, is about sharing sexual and emotional experience. If one person is satisfied but the other is not, it is time to take a step back and rethink the play.
Like with physical negotiations, always respect the limits of all those involved. If the submissive likes to be called a "whore," then don't call him "a dirty boy/girl." Even if you wanted to use an equivalent of the word "whore", this could be the difference between a strong arousal of the submissive and an emotional breakdown that they might suffer.
What you say and how you say
Then pay attention to the context. Caressing the slave on her head and saying, with a smile, that she is a "bad whore" is very different than an angry told "bad bitch" and making her sit at the corner. For this reason, do not negotiate just the words to be used in a scene. You also need to discuss the emotions behind them. Humiliation, after all, can mean something different for different people, so always make sure you are both on the same page.
What to do, what to say, is a function of the decision of the people involved. If you, as a Dominator, are puzzled by what is right to do, it is a good idea to have your submissive writing a story about her ideal BDSM scene. If the submissive is uncomfortable to write, then, she could share with you her favorite BDSM movie. This can give you a good frame on which to build the script of the humiliation play. Although, again, - remember that fantasies and reality can be very different from each other.
If your submissive really wants to try the humiliation play, but does not know very well what it entails, you can continue negotiating or try what can be best called "playing in steps". The step play means not making a mind-blowing scene, instead, try an informal one, in which you can test different words and actions to see what works and what doesn't. The reason for a more informal approach is that submissive people will often enter a state of emotional fragility when they delve into the play. By making the "training" gentler, you can find out what could be very painful for your submissive in a less intense way for her.
Speak clearly and carefully
As in any other BDSM play, you should only put in action the humiliation play after you have learned as much about it as you can - and only after you can get into it being attentive to both pleasure and risk.
Finally, the humiliation play has to be done with open eyes and ears. And never forget the power of words!