When I first entered BDSM as a submissive, I thought all I had to do was showing up, following orders and enjoying the BDSM sessions. All the rest is just the Dominator's job, right?
After having some experiences as a Top, I realized it wasn't quite like that.
Looking from outside, the BDSM seems one person's action on another. In fact, sustainable power exchange relationships are all about equal partnership.
Dominance done well is hard work, so it is important for us, the devoted submissives, to fulfill our part.
If you have any doubts about how to be an extraordinary submissive and to the liking of your Dominator, you will find some tips in this article.
What you will need for the BDSM play session:
- Any tools or toys you want your partner to use during the play, such as ropes, paddles, eye ties, or nipple clamps;
- Safety equipment for the activities you want to do. (For example, if your partner plans to tie you up, you will need a pair of strong scissors handy, in case he needs to release you quickly.)
How can you be a fantastic submissive?
Understand your responsibilities
Giving up your desired level of control and focusing on your partner will be your top priority during the play. That is the fun and exciting part!
However, there are important things to keep in mind if you want to keep a healthy BDSM dynamic. For the most part, the decision will be with you for activities that will be performed and that will not.
Do not let anyone pressure you to do things you do not want to do!
If you didn't consent willingly, it is not BDSM. It is abuse.
Dominators need structure to work within our desired limits and a submissive who says "do what you want" is a very large red warning flag.
Dominators take many risks when they agree to dominate, help them as a co-participant in the BDSM play.
You will also need to notify your Dominator when he enter an unwanted territory, which means you will need to use the safeword. Many BDSM beginners have problems with this. Self-awareness is your friend in this situation. You need to know when to stop the BDSM play by using the safeword or safe sign.
For most of us, the fetishes we have may be related to unresolved personal issues that lie deep in our subconscious. For this reason, many people find in BDSM a therapy.
This may be wonderful, but keep in mind that our Dominators are probably not qualified professionals and we cannot expect them to be entirely responsible for our mental health.
We must be able to separate fantasy from reality in our BDSM relationships.
For example, playing the role of the completely helpless person during a session can be very fun and exciting. However, being completely helpless in real life creates a toxic situation, especially when it comes to BDSM.
During BDSM play, be on your feet and take a step back to judge things when needed.
Even if your Dominator is assuming the responsibility to lead in the power dynamics, he also has his needs and limits. Pay attention to the physical and mental health of your Dominator.
Learn the fetishes of your Dominator and what he enjoys.
When I started participating in BDSM plays, I had an idea of why I liked submission and pain. But I didn't understand why the Dominators like domination and sadism.
Trying to understand why your partner loves what he does, it will help you find ways to fulfill his will and desires that are exciting him the most.
For example, some Dominators love the idea of conquering and calming a braty, naughty submissive, while others detest the boldness and want submissives who listen to them in everything without comment.
Ask your Dominator about what he likes and be attentive when he is revealing to you.
Think about your preferences and come out with safe words and safe signals.
Your preferences are activities that you would gladly try, such as, for example, submission, bondage or hot wax play. Hard limits are the things you don't want to do and the soft limits are the ones you would like to try at some point, but you have doubts for now.
It will be difficult for beginners to know their limits at their firsts sessions, but they have to show concern to find out as soon as possible, their Dominators needing to know how to structure the BDSM play.
Think about what you want and what you don't want to do.
If you are not sure about all the possibilities that BDSM can include, consult a BDSM glossary (we have such a glossary in work, until it is ready, you will find some on the net): always consider and try to understand well the risks that any BDSM activity and interaction you intend to try can have, so that you can give your Dominator an informed consent regarding its realization during a play.
In addition, you will need to propose a system of safe words and safe signals with which to feel comfortable using when needed. It can be a single safe word, but very useful is the "traffic light system", in which green means continuing, even with increased intensity, yellow is for reducing intensity, changing the place of impact, for example, and red, - immediately stopping the play and starting the aftercare.
Tell your partner everything they need to know about you during the play and the pre-play negotiation.
Negotiation is essence of BDSM best practices.
It is important to negotiate before playing to set the limits, the safe system and other necessary considerations.
The discussion will be a pleasant and exciting one, detailing everything that will be done during the BDSM play.
This avoids unwanted events during play: injuries, loss of confidence, misunderstandings about consensus. Such issues will be avoided having a good communication and negotiation.
Get ready for the BDSM session.
You need to be physically, mentally and emotionally balanced before entering a BDSM play session.
Here are some ways to prepare:
- Many Dominators and submissives prefer the element of surprise during scenes. Indeed, not knowing what will happen during a session can be thrilling! However, it is also easy to fear unnecessarily, which will hinder you from enjoying the moment. It is better to try some meditation to be able to concentrate, to be fully consistent with your Dominator.
- Some bondage positions contort the body in uncomfortable ways, which is often their goal! Some stretching before the play will be welcome to make it easier to maintain your positions without unpleasant consequences and help you fully enjoy the experience.
- You and your Dominator will need to gather the equipment you intend to use during the play session. For example, if you propose anal play, you will need specific lubricant. For rope bondage, in addition to ropes, it will also be needed strong scissors to be able to cut the bondage easily in case of need. Any type of play that involves scratching or penetrating the skin, such as needles plays, requires skin cleansing and disinfection products to prevent infections.
Make sure you have everything you need.
Enjoy the BDSM play scene but continue watching how you feel mentally and emotionally.
Now you are ready to play!
Now you can experience BDSM with your partner, with all intensity, excitement, trial, body and mental relaxation that BDSM play brings: enjoy!
During the play session, be careful to remain aware of your physical and emotional state and communicate what you feel when necessary.
It is never well to assume that your Dominator will know how you react to any aspect of the play. Dominators cannot read thoughts and are not infallible.
Exit the game using the safe word or safe sign at any time you need it.
Some submissives refrain from using the safe word because they fear letting down their Dominators. But such behaviour may result in self-induced mental trauma and physical injury.
A good Dominator will always take your safety as a priority and will never want to hurt you, so use the safe word with confidence, don't be shy!
Domination is difficult, so be patient when things don't go perfectly from the beginning.
A good Dominator will try to do everything you would enjoy. However, he is human like all of us and will also make mistakes. This can be frustrating and even cause fear sometimes, but be patient, stay calm and explain your feelings when things don't go as expected.
If you have to calm down, take the time you need and then talk to your partner.
Be there for your Dominator during the aftercare.
Aftercare is the time when you and your partner make sure you are both well and gradually return to reality from the intensity of BDSM, with the endorphin flow slowly falling to the usual level.
It can include caresses, kisses, passionate sex, a chat, sleeping together, or whatever else you need.
Aftercare, it is not just for you, it is for your Dominator as well. He may feel a little surprised, or exhausted, or even guilty after a particularly intense scene.
Be there for him and make him know that everything was consensual and wanted, let there be no doubt about this, considering that in BDSM, which is not consensual, it is abuse!
Give sincere feedback about what you liked and what you didn't like about the BDSM play you had.
The excellent Dominator will always ask if there was something you didn't like about the BDSM play. The discussion may take place during the aftercare period, or at another time, however, it is important to be carried out soon after the play.
Tell your partner what you liked and what you did not.
If he knows exactly what was right and he will have the freedom to adapt his attitude and approach in the future, the future scenes with you will be even better!
Try to like your Dominator in many even small ways before engaging in a new play.
Incite, flirt, take a picture of the tracks left over from the play - maybe some bruising, and show them to your Dominator. They will inspire your Dominator for new games. Be his muse!
Make sure your Dominator knows how much you value him.
BDSM can induce very intense feelings that can be emotionally overwhelming.
Make sure your partner knows that his efforts are valued, this being a goal of the good Dominator during BDSM play.
As you can see, obedience is more complicated than following orders.
Don't let that intimidate you, obedience brings great benefits to life, emotional strength, pleasure, intensity!
The exchange of power and control generates deep feelings and heightened intimacy.
Have to be approached with care, attention, goodwill and compassion.
Life will gain new valences, meanings, intensity, depth, in the Dominant/submissive relationship, or even more, in that of BDSM Master/slave one.
Have good luck and successful BDSM plays!